12 June 2010

The 10 Tackiest Things Only the Superrich Can Afford

“If you’ve got it, flaunt it.” A rule that the super-rich increasingly take to heart. Lest you thought rich people deserved respect, here’s a sample of what they’re spending their money on.

1. The Gold iPod

Apple’s design is famous around the world for its sleek, careful design. It’s clever, well-considered, and appealing to the eye. So, of course, for the superrich, what it’s lacking is the fact that it’s not encrusted in as much fancy crap as humanly possible. So, layer over those sleek, stainless steel lines with gold leaf! Encrust whatever you are able with diamonds! Turn a monument to simple, elegant, accessible style into something so tacky Elvis would look away in pain.

And then, do it all again next year when the new one comes out. Don’t forget to buy the “I am Rich” app again!

the gold ipod

2. The Leopard Print Rolex

We here at the Weird Worm offices had to stop and marvel for a moment, looking at this. To admire this. Somebody actually paid for this leopard print, diamond-encrusted monstrosity. And now, they want someone else to pay $46,000 to own it.

Is it a Rolex? Of course it’s a Rolex. What else would it be, but a brand that everyone has heard of? Is that leopard print fake? Oh yes. Oh very much yes. This watch would not be the apotheosis of tacky, the grand achievement of bad taste that it is, if it were actual leopard. Are there diamonds and sapphires where diamonds and sapphires are pointless? Need you even ask?

All this for the cost of a pretty good luxury car.

print rolex

3. The Gold Coffee Mug

It’s not solid gold: that would burn your hands because gold is such a good conductor. No, it’s just covered in gold leaf. And jewels. Because, clearly, you deserve a piece of ceramic that’s covered in valuable stuff because…you’re worth it, or are just too much of a dick to spend the money this costs on something truly tacky, like poor people. Yes, it’s a mug decorated like a chalice, and we have to ask…who uses this? Even the superrich can’t exactly leave a set of these sitting in the cupboard for anybody to grab a cup of coffee. Then again, if you’re spending ten grand on a coffee mug, common sense probably isn’t one of your skill sets.

gold coffee mug

4. The World’s Most Disgusting SUV

Spending, as you are, a truly offensive amount of money on truly frivolous crap, it might be safe to assume that people might want to kill you just on general principle. Or possibly to make some political point. Needless to say, there’s lots of money in keeping the rich from hearing from the people who can’t eat via explosives. So make sure your gas guzzler has gold-plated bulletproof windows, gauges covered in diamonds and rubies, a sidebar of expensive vodka, and make sure it’s upholstered in whale penis leather.

Yes, we said “whale penis leather”. Those three words have been put together now, and they can never be separated.

disgusting suv

5. The Rose Gold Tourist Souvenir Lighter

You know, nothing really says “class” like owning some small object that’s in the shape of a building. Whether it’s an Eiffel Tower backscratcher, a Sears Tower wastebasket, or an Empire State Building coffee can, it just screams “I was here!” But those are far to cheap for your rich jerk. So what does he buy?

Why, the Vendome Column cigarette lighter, of course! And just to make it unique, it’s made out of rose gold, because yellow and white gold are just too, too common. But at least there’s no whale penis leather.

rose gold tourist souvenir lighter

6. House Rings

Hey, speaking of classy stuff in the shape of buildings, you know what’s even classier than a household item shaped like a building? A big honking chunk of jewelry shaped like a building! Especially when you’re four years old and big honking objects on your hand are incredibly cool, because you have no concept of taste.

The rich appear to be roughly four, because these house rings are made out of gold and platinum. To be fair, it’s pretty neat how accurate the jewelers got these buildings to look. Just imagine, that time and energy might have been frittered away doing something lesser, like building a homeless shelter or something.

house rings

7. A Gold wine rack

OK, we can’t even muster up sarcasm for this one. Seriously? Seriously?! A gold wine rack? It’s bad enough this thing is designed to display wines you bought because they were expensive, but they just had to go and make this look like gold-plated IKEA furniture to boot. Every literature PhD candidate and broke early-twenties college student had the same rack, only it was made of white plastic and purchased for $1.98.

We bet this is gold-plated IKEA. It might not even be real gold. We bet if you scraped you could get that “gold” off.

gold wine rack

8. Gold light switch plate

We’ll give this one this, at least it’s simple. No diamonds, no curlicues, no engraving, no nothing, just a solid gold plate. That happens to be a light switch plate. Because you can never let anybody in your house forget, for even a moment, that you are so nauseatingly rich you can afford to spend money on gold light-switch plates just to remind anybody who uses it how rich you are.

The fun part here is, as we mentioned, gold is a conductor, of both heat and electricity. So one short wire and you’ve got one crispy rich douche.

gold light switch plate

9. Gold coin gown

OK, so, you’ve managed to infuse everything up to your clothes with gold. Not that you have to stop there. There’s gold thread, gold plates, or you could just stop goofing around and really do it right. Wear a dress covered in gold coins.

This thing costs about $275,000, including the fur, because of course you have to have fur, and weighs eighteen pounds. Eighteen freaking pounds! It weighs more than the small yappy dogs that were obviously skinned for those fur accents! But we guess that it does, at least, have some practicality: you’ll never have to worry about hitting the ATM wearing this little number.

gold coin gown

10. A tissue holder

So it comes to this. We could take the coin-covered gowns, and the car that whales unwillingly gave their penises to upholster, and the ’80s wine rack, and the switchplate but this…this is too much.

You know why Communism happened? The Tissue Pochette. This is exactly what everybody who bashed the capitalist system was ever talking about. This is a tissue holder. A tissue holder. Something so disposable they come free in plastic with a pack of tissues from the store. And this store wants $45 for it. The cost of four movie tickets and a date with the disabled guy in the back row. The cost of a week’s worth of groceries for a single person. For a tissue holder.

Suddenly, we have an overwhelming urge to stick a bayonet in a Tsar.

a tissue holder

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